my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
