hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
