the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
