im about as happy as oj after his trial
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
