my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
