Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
