we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
