I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
