good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
