i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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