I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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