Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
