just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
