I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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