he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
