Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize