Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
