You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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