I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
