How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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