Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
