I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Slut skills are useful in every country.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
