you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
