The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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