just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you win again, gameday.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
