Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Someone shattered a urinal.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
