I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
