I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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