im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
