Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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