the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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