I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am available for nakedness
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
