I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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