hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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