Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
