I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
