You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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