Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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