mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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