So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
two words: eviction party
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
