why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
