she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I touched a dick in church today
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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