dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
