in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize