Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
