Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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