Im at strip club and am horny
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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