made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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