Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
