Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize