Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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