I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You're a waste of cheezeits
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Randomize
