I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
