i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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