here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The air was thick with penises
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize