How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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