While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
