marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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