I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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