There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
