Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i was born a porn star she said
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
