having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
