So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
