If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
