After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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