thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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