As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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