I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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