he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize