hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
